Lately I've been doing some "soul searching" I guess you can call it. I bought this book that totally drew me in called, 20 Something 20 Everything. The back cover reads:
Are you wrestling with a sense that you haven't done enough? Or you've done it all and don't know what's next? If you've ever wondered why you aren't enjoying the "best years of your life," and why your still mired in confusion about the choices you've made or need to make, this book is for you.
I'm about 65 pages into it and it is bringing me some comfort. It's all about women my age struggling with 3 big questions: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get it? I have literally been asking myself these questions lately, especially what do I want! The book talks a lot about expectations. We all have tons of expectations placed upon us by our families, friends and society. Additionally, we place a load of them on ourselves. I have been aware of my own stifling expectations for a while now. The author talks about weeding through the "externally driven expectations" to discover what you really want. Learn to listen to your 'inner voice.' Now this all sounds great...but boy is it hard to hear that inner voice. Sometimes I think that there are so many other peoples' thoughts, opinions, beliefs running through my mind I wonder if any of them actually are my own!!!!?? I am trying to discern what I myself believe about life and what is right and good, from what everyone else says. It seems like such a simple question ' what do you want?' You can come up with a list of things that you want for yourself, and that's a start, but then the next step is how to get there AND is it really what you want or what you should want!?! AHHHH...
As for now, my main concern is trying to listen to that inner voice. Thinking for myself. But when I try to really sit and think about it, it feels as though every thought I have can be traced to another source. Do I act on what I believe or do other people influence the choices I make? I have always been one to worry about what other people think. It is something that I am very disappointed about but it is hard for me to avoid and I am making a conscience effort to change. I have always envied people who are so carefree, unique and not afraid to be themselves in every situation. I'm not saying that every breath I take I am worried about what someone will think, but I am beginning to recognize the number of times I put other peoples opinions and judgments ahead of my own (or let them guide my actions and feelings). Kinda scary how much influence others have on us, or some of us...
Ergo, as I have said before, I am a serious work in progress. However, I think that I am on the right track...it begins with self-awareness and I've got a lot of that goin on right now.
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